LEAVE

i want to put all the money i have in a small brown paper bag, pack a few essentials, get Zeus ready for a trip and just leave. its been a fantasy of mine i just dont have the balls to do it. i keep thinking and re thinking things. where i'd find money to live once im out. Would i miss my work even tho im not so in love with it. where should i go? which countries wouldnt have a problem with me bringing my stinker bell Zeus...
Has anyone ever done this?

2010 meet 2011

Another year is coming to an end. it feels abrupt this time. 2010 felt, if possible, longer then all the other years! i wonder if they squeezed in a couple of extra weeks without us knowing.
So many things i told myself i'd do last year and so many things i didnt do. So this year, i wont make myself any promises... this year, i'm going to take it as is. No plans to make it better, no plans to make it worse. Just try my best to do the best that i can. That's all anyone can ask of themselves anyways.. So i definately wont put myself down this time.
Oh, and a few advices to myself:

1) It's ok to make mistakes, EVERYBODY does it. Learn from them and move on!
2) Kiss.
3) There's always light at the end of the tunnel, but u wont see it unless u open ur eyes.
4) Love.
5) Forgive.
6) Don't forget, u know the saying... Fool me once....
7) Speak up, if ppl dont like u for who u r, then they r not worth being with!
8) UR family is precious, love them, support them but take a step back.
9) Stop feeling guilty unless appropriate... and no, most of the times it isnt!
10) Be kind, dont be a pushover. Dont let people take advantage of u.
11) Exercise.
12) Enjoy the massages.
13) Take care of ur skin.
14) Take care of ur hair.
15) Eat healthy.
16) Learn to cook.
17) Enjoy the small stuff.

family ties.

i'm leaving my family home today, going back to the town where i work, the town that's about 1200 km away from my family and my boyfriend. i hate goodbyes. Even short ones. I hate leaving.
I love travelling but i hate the travelling part. I love arriving, and the touring and the meeting new people and eating good food. But i hate the airports, the airplanes, the food there!
let me not get off the subject. i need to cut my umbilical cord. the one that has me strongly attached to my parents and siblings. i love them but i think its time i live for me, that i make my own family.
why am i sharing this?
does anyone out there feel the same?

shout

Oh God i need to scream, to somehow let all these negative emotions im feeling out! i have never drank an alcoholic bevarage and yet im craving it so much! i need something to just shut my mind up, to dumben all my senses so all i can focus on is not falling down. i want to be stress free, worry free, bad-free...
i wish, oh i just wish!

a ticket out.

We're just a few days shy off new years, and all i can do is sit and sulk. I only dream of a different future, but it's so hard to change a life, especially a comfortable one. But i'm tired.
I'm tired of being so empathic i feel sick when bad things happen to people. I'm so tired of not being able to fall asleep without something playing on my laptop so as not to think.
I sometimes dream of getting a small suitcase, emptying my bank accounts, and buying the first ticket out of here to nowhere. A place where nobody knows me and i know nobody and just make a new life for myself. Build my own home, grow my own garden, take care of the animals in my yard and of course my cat. The reason why i don't just take off.
I dream of a simpler life where money is nothing but paper. Where technology is science fiction. All i demand is a functioning toilet (what can i say, we all have our indulgences).
I wonder if my life would be happier if i were far from my loved ones. That way i wouldnt have to suffer when they did. I wouldnt have to live with the accusing eyes of those whom, even if they love me, don't agree with my way of life.
I'm 32, i hate the fact that i still feel like a 12 year old. i have to remember, nobody owns me, nobody can tell me what i can or can not do... i'm 32. Im an adult. i have my own mind, my own ideas, my own desires, my own limits...
im tired.

I love my cat

That's it,
That's all...
i love him to bits,
he's nasty and fat.
He purrs when i kiss him,
and sometimes he hisses.
he's wonderful...
he's yummie,
he's my Zeus!

The jogging diaries...

I finally decided i should start moving my ass and work out a bit. So it's been 5 days now that i go out and jog for 20 mins.
After the first two days, i couldnt sit down on the toilette sit cuz i was ACHING all over! So, i decided to take one day off and thank God i did! My poor muscles couldnt handle the shock that i had put them thru and were groaning and suicidal!
I jog around our compound which i'm guessing is about 4-6 km. I put on my ipod, listen to the cranberries old hits and just start jogging.
I romanticised about jogging. I could see myself all lady like and smooth, with half a smile on my lips, breathing slowly and daydreaming to my tunes.
That's not exactly how i look.
for the first two mins maybe i seem like what i'm doing is effortless, after that...
PANTING,
SWEATING,
SNIFFING and wait, here it comes, the urge to go to the bathroom!!! And of course it only happens when i'm half way. IT would take to long to turn around and go back home so might as well continue the lap.
Then there's the fact that i'm the ONLY one jogging at that hour...
then there's the fact that i'm the ONLY WOMAN jogging...

And it gets tougher and tougher, and it feels like i'm not getting closer to the finish line... Hell sometimes i actually can see the finish line but it feels like a month passes before i reach it!

I better see some results soon!

Any tips on how to enjoy the experience???

A few items

Today i woke up, feeling good about life. My Zeus has finally learnt to sleep by himself in his comfy sherpa bag (dunno why he likes to sleep there, but i'm not complaining). I've sneezed less than 100 times since waking up (i'm allergic to my furry monster) and my roommate is back! So i've decided to make a list of things i love:

1) The sound of crickets outside my window. It reminds me of my childhod summers where i spent them at my granny's in Sardinia. The crickets were always singing their lovely songs and sometimes would really bug me, but somehow they were also a comfort.

2) Summer storms. Also reminds me of my summers. The sky would suddenly turn a dark gray and i'd sit outside taking the aroma in. I loved the way the air smelled just before it rained. Then sitting down in the small part that was covered i'd smilingly watch as the rain fell down to the ground. At first one drop at a time, but before you knew it, it was pouring all over.

3) The smell of the air AFTER it rains... It smells of mud, grass, mold, flowers, birds, happiness and love! it smells of everything that's good.

4) The memory of my granny saying goodbye from the window. Every time we left, whether it was for long trips or short ones. We would always see her smile and wave. I miss that most of all.

5) My granny asking what i wanted to eat: "want buiscuits? watermelon? juice? sweets? nutella?"and when i'd say no to everything she would grumpily say, "may you want nothing!"

6) Seeing the beach and the blue sea, and waiting for that first dip!

7) Kissing my boyfriend. I love the way he smells and feels.

8) Seeing the smiling faces of my family when i arrive at the airport.

9) Zeus.

10) When Zeus wakes me up in the morning bumping his wet nose on my face, touching my face with his paw and if i still dont want to wake up, biting my head!

11) My mother's food.

12) my sisters and brother.

13) Ireland. I lived there for 3 years when i was a child... i loved the people, i loved the place, i loved EVERYTHING!

14) My boyfriend's hugs. When he hugs me i feel he's hugging my entire being.

15) Succeeding. I loved the fact that i was able to hike till the top of mount Sinai even if i'm just a couch potatoe. I love the fact that i graduated with excellent even tho i studied in a language that wasnt my mother tongue...

16) Travelling. Seeing new faces, meeting new people, and especially, tasting the local cuisine.

17) Being called beautiful, being hit on, having someone politely flirt with me (it boosts my ego).

18) Writing. I used to be good at it, i used to write a lot... hopefully i'll get it back...


These are just a few items for now, i might continue later on.

What are a few things you love? have you thought about them lately?

what happened?

When i was younger, i wanted to change the world. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be the exception to all the "Adult" rule. What rule? the one where adults are too busy being realistic to make this world a better place.
I wanted to join MSF and help those who were less forutnate, or who just needed some help during a certain period in their life. I wanted to make people smile. I wanted to be the girl who'd volunteer in a hundred different odd jobs.
Here i am, a woman of 32 who comes back home from work and barely has any energy to cook for one. Sometimes i do, mostly i dont. I sit on my fat ass and turn on the TV cuz i hate being alone sometimes and i just need to hear the TV in the background.
I'm too tired to do anything productive, and too guilty to waste it sleeping.
I often wonder what happened to that little girl in me, the one that wanted to help the world. I know that if she met me, she would disown me. I have grown into an ugly, selfish and materialistic woman.
I have a job i'm not particularly happy about, but it pays well and is stable.
I still help people in my line of work (i'm in the mental health business) but it seems like "work" and not like helping. All i want to do is go home and grow older. Cuz that's how i feel lately. I feel old.

Does anybody feel this way? Can it be that i'm the only tired 32 yr old in the planet?

At least i jogged today. Hopefully i'll keep that up.

Virgin-pride!

I'm having the hardest time waking up in the morning. When the alarm goes at 6:45 am all i can do is think"OH FREAK no! it's too darn early!" This is so unlike me since i usually wake up at 6 and just lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go. Sometimes i'll put an old futurama episode and watch it before i get up.
Zeus (my cat and master) also has a strong dislike for mornings, he prefers to sleep some more before waking up and taking his daily naps.

I've been thinking about sex a lot lately. I'm a 32 yr old virgin and i hate the way people react to that. It's all shocked expressions and whispers! I mean, if i told them i'm gay they wouldnt react that way (that would be considered homophobe). However, being a virgin at 32 nowadays is considered somewhat of a taboo. I'm sick and tired of virginophobes! i believe we should all get together and have a virgin-pride parade! Just cause everyone else is doing it doesn't mean i have to, too!
My boyfriend is extremely nice about my choices and very supportive. He never forced me to do anything i didn't want to and was ok with whatever i was willing to give. We've been together for a little over 6 yrs (MSA) and i'm still madly in love. Don't get me wrong, i hate him sometimes too, but i never stopped loving him!

How many people out there think its taboo to be a virgin in the 21st century?

Chapter One

Where it all begins. I'm sitting alone in my living room in front of the T.V with my purring cat lazily lying next to me.
It all starts here, what i lost over a decade ago, i'm gonna find it again and i'm gonna make it something.
So, what is this blog all about? it's about being open without any inhibitions. About stating things the way they are, the way i feel they are. I'm aware that just because i feel something it doesnt mean that it is reality. But, it is MY reality. So, dont try to debate your way with me here. You're not wrong. I'm not wrong. This is my life, and yours is yours.
I'm 32 years old, going on 33. I look like i'm in my mid 20s. I'm average height. Average looks. I hate the way i look. I have a weak chin and big teeth. A thin upper lip and a full lower one.
I also have big dark eyes, a straight nose which is slightly turned upwards.
I have thick black wavy hair, but its frizzy and wont obey my pleas for it to behave.
i'm thin, but i have wide hips and i'm infested with cellulite.
I've been called ugly on numerous occasions.
I've been called beautiful on numerous occasions.

I'm neither.

I love my cat, but wouldnt want a house full of them. One cat is one too many. I'm a crazy cat woman.

My boyfriend loves me, but he forgets to tell me. HE shows me how much he loves me. Actions speak louder than words, but sometimes all you need, all you want is to hear those 3 words...I love you. Am i silly for wanting that?

Being the middle child, i'm a people pleaser. I dont like confrontation, well simply because i dont think i'm worth it. I want everybody to like me, i like only a few people. I'm alone, but rarely lonely.
I wish i were beautiful. I wish everybody saw me the way i wish i were. I close my eyes and imagine a more beautiful version of myself, and every time i open them i am so disappointed at who's staring back at me.
Why do i have to be so ugly? and why so ugly in a family that's so beautiful?
I hate my luck, even tho, luck hasnt completely abandoned me.

This is Chapter one of my pathetic life...