one wish.

An exam that's just a few weeks away, a wedding that's i dunno how far away and a libido that keeps increasing.
Im so angry and frustrated but can i be blamed?
I dunno what to do anymore! if im not studying i feel guilty, and when i feel guilty all i want to do is just forget!
I cant wait till its June already. i can't wait till its 2012... i cant wait till i wake up and all im looking forwards to is kissing my fiance goodmorning.
Im tired of being stressed out all the time, im tired of feeling like death might actually be a blessing. im tired of feeling like this life is not worth the hassle.
if i had a wish right now, i'd wish i were 6 in a huge green field with daisies all around. i'd be wearing a white cotton dress, and be barefoot... and i'd run, i'd run like my life depended on it, it run against the wind. i'd run and only stop when id feel i couldnt run anymore. Once that happened, i would lie on the grass and look at the sky. Try to make out faces and objects from the clouds that pass by...

If i had one wish, i'd wish to be free and without worries.

if i had just one wish, i'd wish to be happy and feel immortal.

if i had just one wish...

what happened?

When i was younger, i wanted to change the world. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be the exception to all the "Adult" rule. What rule? the one where adults are too busy being realistic to make this world a better place.
I wanted to join MSF and help those who were less forutnate, or who just needed some help during a certain period in their life. I wanted to make people smile. I wanted to be the girl who'd volunteer in a hundred different odd jobs.
Here i am, a woman of 32 who comes back home from work and barely has any energy to cook for one. Sometimes i do, mostly i dont. I sit on my fat ass and turn on the TV cuz i hate being alone sometimes and i just need to hear the TV in the background.
I'm too tired to do anything productive, and too guilty to waste it sleeping.
I often wonder what happened to that little girl in me, the one that wanted to help the world. I know that if she met me, she would disown me. I have grown into an ugly, selfish and materialistic woman.
I have a job i'm not particularly happy about, but it pays well and is stable.
I still help people in my line of work (i'm in the mental health business) but it seems like "work" and not like helping. All i want to do is go home and grow older. Cuz that's how i feel lately. I feel old.

Does anybody feel this way? Can it be that i'm the only tired 32 yr old in the planet?

At least i jogged today. Hopefully i'll keep that up.