Disconnect

Let me run away for a month or two... somewhere where nobody will find me and my only worries will be if i have enough tanning lotion with me or if i need to buy more.
A month of complete and utter pampering and carefree spirit.
a place where my mobile wont work and there r no phones allowed in the hotel.
Where nobody can contact me and i contact nobody.
I want to disconnect from this all.

one wish.

An exam that's just a few weeks away, a wedding that's i dunno how far away and a libido that keeps increasing.
Im so angry and frustrated but can i be blamed?
I dunno what to do anymore! if im not studying i feel guilty, and when i feel guilty all i want to do is just forget!
I cant wait till its June already. i can't wait till its 2012... i cant wait till i wake up and all im looking forwards to is kissing my fiance goodmorning.
Im tired of being stressed out all the time, im tired of feeling like death might actually be a blessing. im tired of feeling like this life is not worth the hassle.
if i had a wish right now, i'd wish i were 6 in a huge green field with daisies all around. i'd be wearing a white cotton dress, and be barefoot... and i'd run, i'd run like my life depended on it, it run against the wind. i'd run and only stop when id feel i couldnt run anymore. Once that happened, i would lie on the grass and look at the sky. Try to make out faces and objects from the clouds that pass by...

If i had one wish, i'd wish to be free and without worries.

if i had just one wish, i'd wish to be happy and feel immortal.

if i had just one wish...

whining away...

i've been sitting in my tiny living room watching tv and browsing the net, not really doing either of them, wondering how i've come to be where i am today.
for the past two days i've been angry, a deep seeded anger that somehow has been building up for days, weeks, months even... maybe more. I've been so angry i didnt know who to pick a fight with. I just got sick and tired of worrying that i might hurt this person's feelings or that. im sick and tired of always being considered the good and sympathetic person, the person that will forgive u no matter what. It's supposed to be a good quality but apparently people just see it as a weakness. im tired of being seen as weak. i want to show them just how strong i can be. And yet, since nobody has done anything, i have no oportunity to show anyone just how strong i am. All i have is this dark, thick anger that's building up.
I might get three phone calls in one day all of which are people who called just to complain about a certain somthing in their life. i know, if u look back i'm doing pretty much the same thing, complaining, complaining, complaining... but i'm throwing it out there to the world. and most of the time, the world doesnt really care or read anything.
My family and friends all think i can do things, that i can get over difficult situations cuz (in those instances, when im in a hard place or going thru something) those instances i am strong. i can do it all by myself. And they r right, i CAN. But i dont want to, i want to sit back and have someone help me thru it. Why cant someone just ask me how i am and offer to help?
maybe its too much to ask, after all its a "dog eat dog" world.

Today i feel alone but not lonely, angry, disappointed and frustrated...
Today i am unhappy.

Cant wait to wake up tomorrow and have this be just a far off memory.

Insomnia 2

Oh God i can't sleep!!! and tomorrow (or should i say later today) i have a morning clinic and a presentation in the afternoon! i want to cry... let me cry...

insomnia

I can't sleep. i wonder if it's the cappuccino i had earlier today or if it's the answer i got from my fiance? maybe it's a bit of both. Maybe it's neither.
I'm lying in bed listening to my cat purr and playing with this silly application on facebook. Dont know if you've ever come across it, the one where you vote if a person is "sexy", or "cute", or whatever. I've been on it for over an hour and i wonder, is it because i feel my self esteem has plumeteth to the ground that i need complete strangers (and possible perverts) to vote for me? does the fact that i get voted "Sexy" by a complete nobody really boost my selfesteem or is it me looking for something i am missing at the moment?
I'm lost, i have so many questions passing through my mind and not enough answers to satisfy me.
Maybe that's simply because they are "my" answers, and all i want, all i ever wanted was "his" answers.
This brings me a flashback to when i was younger and i would ask my mother if she loved me, and she wouldnt say she did, she'd simply say, "what a stupid question" but knowing that she loved me wasn't enough, i just wanted to hear the words...


i just want to hear the words...

Zeus' UTI

Hello everyone!
Last wednesday my sister (who stayed with me for a week) left. The next day i cleaned my sweet Zeussi's litter box and went on doing what i was supposed to do. Friday comes and goes and then comes Sat. Zeus wasnt greeting me at the door when i came back from an outing and was keeping to himself. I thought it all had to do with my sister leaving so i didnt give it much of a thought until on Sat, as i was sitting on my bed i noticed my poor Zeus enter his litterbox about 2-3 times. At first i thought it must have been very dirty and he was unhappy with it. So i removed the cover and that's when i noticed that the litter was clean! i looked around to check if he went anywhere else in the house but i couldnt find anything. That's when i started to freak out! i examined him trying to feel for any distended bladder, i went on line only to get even more frightened! what they wrote was not good at all! So as a last resort i called up my vet in my old town. "Dr.Nebojsa! Zeus isnt passing much urine!!! what can i do?!?!?!" "Take him to the vet immediately!" i felt my knees go weak! the last thing i wanted to here was that it actually was serious! "but i examined him and his bladder isnt distended" that's when he told me that i shouldn;t worry but that if he still didnt pass urine by next day i should take him to a vet. The reason why i was hesitant was, i dont know the vets in this town. And the one i do know, my vet had visited it and wasnt too happy with the place. a few minutes pass and my mind starts to work full throttle. "What if..." i dont even dare to think about it too much. All i knew then was, i need to go to a vet ASAP! That's when i took him to vet No.1. He was checked (and im glad to say my examination was right, his bladder wasnt distended) and he did a urinalysis for him... My poor baby had UTI (urinary tract infection) he had pus cells, red blood cells and casts in his urine and while normal urine's ph should be around 6, his was 8!!! he got his first shot and then was given antibiotics to take home orally...
Long story short... i couldnt give him the oral antibiotics, the vet didnt reply to my calls and there was only so much my old vet could do for me... That's when i started to panic, and started to think how this was all my fault for moving away from my home town!
I messaged my friends and colleagues hoping someone knew another vet and thank God i found my current vet!
Today was his third shot. Thank God he is more active, more talkative (oh how i love it when he talks!) and he is peeing more!!! i never thought i'd be soooo happy to see my cat pee!!!
I wrote this for all pet owners out there. If u think there is something wrong with ur pets then chances are there is. Dont wait too long, take them to ur vet. What's the worse that could happen? the vet tells u he/she is fine? isnt that better than the alternative???

I love my cat to infinity and beyond! and i just hope that this blog might help...

Moving out!

Im moving out soon. Cant wait! my new place has got big windows and so much light comes in!!! i'm excited and i'm a little overwhelmed! i hate the "moving" part, but i love the settling in part!!!
Unfortunately since i live in a very conservative country i cant have my finace visit me. So, until i get married i'll have to be content with visiting him.
Im excited about the cleaning aspect of the moving to a new place. The apt. is pretty clean since its new but there's dust everywhere and a good polish wouldnt hurt the place. I already imagined where most things will go. I have my bedroom but i need to buy the sitting room and kitchen utensils.
This will be the apt i'll share with my finace in the not too far future God willing. It feels a little surreal. I also wish he were here to help me buy some of the furniture.
Lucky him, he gets to move into an already fixed apt!!!!

Oh i forgot to mention! the best part about the apt. is that there's this small storage room that will be perfect to put Zeus' litter box and food!!! it's amazing! i really cant wait to move out!!

Book of life

i always thought of my life as a book. Im sure many of you out there have done the same.
Chapter one was about my childhood right up to me moving out. What was different about this is, i didnt move out until i was 30. So chapter one started amazingly but it kept going on and finally turned a little boring. I skipped most of the end of chapter one. Then came Chapter 2, moving out. And the moving out continued, and continued and is still in progress. in just 3 years i moved about 4 times, and the fifth is just around the corner. i dont want to complain, at the end, im writing this book. i just wished it went a little differently.

Relationships...

Ive been waking up lately not recognizing the person ive become. Im not doing any of the things i thought i would have done, or planned on doing when i was younger. Maybe im just going thru an early mid life crisis, or maybe, maybe its just growing pains. The same pain we all went thrubas teenagers. Remember? When we didnt know who we were or what we wanted? Maybe this is just part two of the growth cycle. Something we all go thru, or maybe a few of us grow thru. Those of us who compromised their person to make those around them happier? U know what i mean? We women especially have a tendency to do this, i mean, what expresses hw much we love someone more than say, changing for that person? And when we try to ask for that same love in from our partners, we're met with a brick wall. "he doesnt love me" not as much as i love him atleast. This is where it all goes down the drain. Cuz no matter what they do, they're not doing what we do. They r not compromising their persona like we r doing. They r not changing for us, like we have done for them... This is where resentment starts, and once it starts... There's no going back.

Post call...

Yesterday was my first on call as a senior. At ten in the morning, while covering the clinic, my junior calls me to inform me that we have a patient in the ER waiting for us. She went ahead with the intern while i finished seeing the patient in the clinic. Soon enough i joined them, and the nightmare begins...
four ER patients and a consult later, it was 7 pm and i was back in the resident's chillaxin room. I helped our intern with the history for tomorrow's dreaded morning meeting and by 9 pm i was home.
I thought sleep would come easy but it never is when im oncall.. i always worry that the phone rings just as soon as i close my eyes to fall asleep. By 11ish i was exhausted, i'd fall in and out of sleep and that's when the itching started... Aparently, out of the blue, during my horrible ONCALL i get to be lucky enough to share my room with a damn mosquito!! I wanted to cry, but was just too tired to. So, i put on my futurama on my laptop and tried to mentally convince myself i wasnt itchy and that i'd soon enough fall asleep.
I slept after midnight... and the alarm suddenly went off! it was already 5 am! i couldnt believe how fast time passed! and to my horror, i see a msg from my junior. Apparently another case in the ER. How could this be possible?! She must be kidding!! We usually dont see more than 3 cases! and yet, we admitted 3 patients, and treated 2 in the ER PLUS one consultation from surgery! WE couldnt believe it! but all we could do was laugh. The cases were mostly stable and the admissions were ok, with only one somewhat worrisome.
The docs couldnt handle us presenting all the cases in full details (Which is so unlike our docs who want every small detail possible). And so it took us one hour to discuss only 4 cases somewhat briefly.
And After all of that? well, i had to cover another clinic... i finished at 1 pm... and i couldnt get home untill 3...

And why am i writing now? Well, i've been tossing and turning, and even tho im EXHAUSTED, i just cant seem to fall asleep, i can't seem to find the right position. If i cover up im too hot, if i dont im too cold, and i'm still worried about that damn mosquito!!!

My first date of the year....

So after treating myself less than civil, i decided to ask for forgiveness by taking myself out on a date. Just me, myself and i. I didnt really dress up or put make up on but i did try my best to have a complete internal makeover. Think positive, act posititve and eat cup cakes.
So, first i passed by to get me three lovely cupcakes. "hmmm, not the freshest looking cupcakes but the only ones there. Teaches me right to go out sooo early (it was past ten in the morning)"
I got two carrot cupcakes and one red velvet! Yum! Next, i told my driver to take me to casper's. The only decent place for breakfast in town. As soon as i come in, the maitre D asks if im with anybody. "cant u see im with me and im trying to impress me??!!" i thought to myself, i clear my throat and say, "no, im alone". The guy politely smiles and informs me that there's a waiting list. He puts me down for one. I sit and wait. Thankfully i dont have to wait too long and less then five minutes pass when they call me. I go up to see where my table is, and what do u know. Its in the dark corner next to the waiters' desk. No problem tho, thankfully i love myself too much to care about what place im sitting in. As long as im with me, and im happy nothing else matters. They bring me my orange juice and i salivate thinking about the waffle that awaits me. 
Even tho it might not be the perfect date, so far, im having fun. I cant wait to find out how it ends! 
Have any of u ever gone out on a date with yourselves?