Post call...

Yesterday was my first on call as a senior. At ten in the morning, while covering the clinic, my junior calls me to inform me that we have a patient in the ER waiting for us. She went ahead with the intern while i finished seeing the patient in the clinic. Soon enough i joined them, and the nightmare begins...
four ER patients and a consult later, it was 7 pm and i was back in the resident's chillaxin room. I helped our intern with the history for tomorrow's dreaded morning meeting and by 9 pm i was home.
I thought sleep would come easy but it never is when im oncall.. i always worry that the phone rings just as soon as i close my eyes to fall asleep. By 11ish i was exhausted, i'd fall in and out of sleep and that's when the itching started... Aparently, out of the blue, during my horrible ONCALL i get to be lucky enough to share my room with a damn mosquito!! I wanted to cry, but was just too tired to. So, i put on my futurama on my laptop and tried to mentally convince myself i wasnt itchy and that i'd soon enough fall asleep.
I slept after midnight... and the alarm suddenly went off! it was already 5 am! i couldnt believe how fast time passed! and to my horror, i see a msg from my junior. Apparently another case in the ER. How could this be possible?! She must be kidding!! We usually dont see more than 3 cases! and yet, we admitted 3 patients, and treated 2 in the ER PLUS one consultation from surgery! WE couldnt believe it! but all we could do was laugh. The cases were mostly stable and the admissions were ok, with only one somewhat worrisome.
The docs couldnt handle us presenting all the cases in full details (Which is so unlike our docs who want every small detail possible). And so it took us one hour to discuss only 4 cases somewhat briefly.
And After all of that? well, i had to cover another clinic... i finished at 1 pm... and i couldnt get home untill 3...

And why am i writing now? Well, i've been tossing and turning, and even tho im EXHAUSTED, i just cant seem to fall asleep, i can't seem to find the right position. If i cover up im too hot, if i dont im too cold, and i'm still worried about that damn mosquito!!!

My first date of the year....

So after treating myself less than civil, i decided to ask for forgiveness by taking myself out on a date. Just me, myself and i. I didnt really dress up or put make up on but i did try my best to have a complete internal makeover. Think positive, act posititve and eat cup cakes.
So, first i passed by to get me three lovely cupcakes. "hmmm, not the freshest looking cupcakes but the only ones there. Teaches me right to go out sooo early (it was past ten in the morning)"
I got two carrot cupcakes and one red velvet! Yum! Next, i told my driver to take me to casper's. The only decent place for breakfast in town. As soon as i come in, the maitre D asks if im with anybody. "cant u see im with me and im trying to impress me??!!" i thought to myself, i clear my throat and say, "no, im alone". The guy politely smiles and informs me that there's a waiting list. He puts me down for one. I sit and wait. Thankfully i dont have to wait too long and less then five minutes pass when they call me. I go up to see where my table is, and what do u know. Its in the dark corner next to the waiters' desk. No problem tho, thankfully i love myself too much to care about what place im sitting in. As long as im with me, and im happy nothing else matters. They bring me my orange juice and i salivate thinking about the waffle that awaits me. 
Even tho it might not be the perfect date, so far, im having fun. I cant wait to find out how it ends! 
Have any of u ever gone out on a date with yourselves?

LEAVE

i want to put all the money i have in a small brown paper bag, pack a few essentials, get Zeus ready for a trip and just leave. its been a fantasy of mine i just dont have the balls to do it. i keep thinking and re thinking things. where i'd find money to live once im out. Would i miss my work even tho im not so in love with it. where should i go? which countries wouldnt have a problem with me bringing my stinker bell Zeus...
Has anyone ever done this?

2010 meet 2011

Another year is coming to an end. it feels abrupt this time. 2010 felt, if possible, longer then all the other years! i wonder if they squeezed in a couple of extra weeks without us knowing.
So many things i told myself i'd do last year and so many things i didnt do. So this year, i wont make myself any promises... this year, i'm going to take it as is. No plans to make it better, no plans to make it worse. Just try my best to do the best that i can. That's all anyone can ask of themselves anyways.. So i definately wont put myself down this time.
Oh, and a few advices to myself:

1) It's ok to make mistakes, EVERYBODY does it. Learn from them and move on!
2) Kiss.
3) There's always light at the end of the tunnel, but u wont see it unless u open ur eyes.
4) Love.
5) Forgive.
6) Don't forget, u know the saying... Fool me once....
7) Speak up, if ppl dont like u for who u r, then they r not worth being with!
8) UR family is precious, love them, support them but take a step back.
9) Stop feeling guilty unless appropriate... and no, most of the times it isnt!
10) Be kind, dont be a pushover. Dont let people take advantage of u.
11) Exercise.
12) Enjoy the massages.
13) Take care of ur skin.
14) Take care of ur hair.
15) Eat healthy.
16) Learn to cook.
17) Enjoy the small stuff.

family ties.

i'm leaving my family home today, going back to the town where i work, the town that's about 1200 km away from my family and my boyfriend. i hate goodbyes. Even short ones. I hate leaving.
I love travelling but i hate the travelling part. I love arriving, and the touring and the meeting new people and eating good food. But i hate the airports, the airplanes, the food there!
let me not get off the subject. i need to cut my umbilical cord. the one that has me strongly attached to my parents and siblings. i love them but i think its time i live for me, that i make my own family.
why am i sharing this?
does anyone out there feel the same?

shout

Oh God i need to scream, to somehow let all these negative emotions im feeling out! i have never drank an alcoholic bevarage and yet im craving it so much! i need something to just shut my mind up, to dumben all my senses so all i can focus on is not falling down. i want to be stress free, worry free, bad-free...
i wish, oh i just wish!

a ticket out.

We're just a few days shy off new years, and all i can do is sit and sulk. I only dream of a different future, but it's so hard to change a life, especially a comfortable one. But i'm tired.
I'm tired of being so empathic i feel sick when bad things happen to people. I'm so tired of not being able to fall asleep without something playing on my laptop so as not to think.
I sometimes dream of getting a small suitcase, emptying my bank accounts, and buying the first ticket out of here to nowhere. A place where nobody knows me and i know nobody and just make a new life for myself. Build my own home, grow my own garden, take care of the animals in my yard and of course my cat. The reason why i don't just take off.
I dream of a simpler life where money is nothing but paper. Where technology is science fiction. All i demand is a functioning toilet (what can i say, we all have our indulgences).
I wonder if my life would be happier if i were far from my loved ones. That way i wouldnt have to suffer when they did. I wouldnt have to live with the accusing eyes of those whom, even if they love me, don't agree with my way of life.
I'm 32, i hate the fact that i still feel like a 12 year old. i have to remember, nobody owns me, nobody can tell me what i can or can not do... i'm 32. Im an adult. i have my own mind, my own ideas, my own desires, my own limits...
im tired.